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What is an Unhealthy Relationship? Numerous factors are considered regarding relationships. No one relationship meets all your interpersonal needs. This is why we have so many different kinds of relationships. We have friends. We have colleagues. We have neighbors. We have acquaintances. We have family members. We have partners. We have spouses.

Sometimes people you are in a relationship with fail you. A friend shares confidential information. A spouse forgets a special day in your life. Children or parents don’t understand what helping them has cost you in time and money. A colleague is not available when needed. We all understand human limitations but sometimes there are patterns that repeat and wound deeply. These relationships are seriously in trouble.

I am going to just randomly list some signs that the relationship you are in is unhealthy. I am not going to weight these  symptoms since some might be ‘no big deal’ for you and others could be ‘deal breakers.’ Just take a look and if a relationship comes to your mind you may need some help with communication and boundaries to repair, end or limit the time spent in the relationship.

Everything seems to be my fault

Very little attention is paid to my thoughts and feelings. “Why are you always wanting….”(time, attention, respect…)

Very little, if any, responsibility is taken for hurtful, thoughtless actions

I am expected to just ‘make it work’

The person creates a problem then wants praise if they then fix the problem

The person implies that they are ‘the only one who cares about me’

The person takes the vast majority of financial and emotional resources available

I am often isolated from other friends/family members

I am discouraged from pursuing my goals

I am expected to thank and praise the person

I can’t count on any boundary I set being respected

I may be in physical danger. “Do what I want or I will hurt you”

I often feel verbally and psychologically hurt. “Do what I want or I will leave you”

I am discouraged from seeking help

I find I have no freedom speak up for what i see and hear. “Don’t Talk. Don’t Think. Don’t Feel”

Unfortunately, I am not only concerned with individual relationships. Employers can also be abusive of their employees. Governments can be oppressive towards their people. Not only do we need to learn what a healthy relationship is we need to advocate for our own healthy relationships and the relationships of our neighbors and our greater community. No one should feel cast aside as less than human with full rights to body, mind and spirit.

At this time in history it seems that healthy relationships all the way up to the the top of our leadership are in danger. Use your voice to speak up for yourself, your friends, your family, your neighbor and your greater community. If you need help doing this call for counseling. Together we can make a difference.

I have worked with many parents as they parent their children and teens. One of the most basic practical tips is to be Clear, Calm, Consistent and Communicate. We can’t be understood when we are vague about what we want. We can’t be heard when we are yelling instead of speaking calmly. We can’t be believed or trusted if the rules and expectations are dependent on our personal whims or how our day went. We can’t communicate and hear what our children and teens have to say if the communication is a one way street. Seems simple, right?

As an Employer, I can’t be vague. I can’t be demandingly bossy and expect to be heard, let alone trusted. I can’t have one expectation on Wednesdays and another on Tuesdays. I can’t learn from my team if I don’t listen more than I speak!!

I believe our government and leadership would benefit from Clear, Calm, Consistent, Communication. Things are a bit wild at the moment!
If you are finding yourself pulled all about and not quite sure what to expect, Counseling can’t fix this for you. We can help you explore the emotions and the process.

Counseling can also help you find your own Clear, Calm, Consistent voice and communicate what you need. Myself, I have sent more messages this past month to my senators than I have in the past 10 years. Lets take care of ourselves so we have the strength to speak for others. Angela Olson LMHC

As I drove in to work today I noticed all the beautiful fall leaves and rich colors. Several trees were so brightly red they seemed to have been touched up with an artist’s brush. I noticed some tension reduce as I realized the seasons have changed in regular time through all my 60+ years. There have been Happier fall seasons. Sadder Septembers. There have been many exciting and uncertain times for sure.

At the moment- on top of all the ordinary business of life and the changing of the seasons we are all witnessing a very stressful election time. No matter what side of the political equation you are on I think we are all feeling the stress of fear and uncertainty. We are wondering what the future holds. I urge us all to take a breath, put things in perspective, make a choice for the greater good and be a little kinder to our neighbors.

Reduce a little stress by enjoying the fall colors. Put a few colorful leaves in a vase. Press a few between waxed paper with a hot iron and hang them in a window. Take a walk and kick a few leaves. Remember, ‘This too, like the leaves, will pass.’ If you continue to feel extra stressed- give Cedar Valley Counseling a call and come talk with a counselor. We can’t sort out the political climate but we can help you learn a few more skills to cope.

It is a beautiful 84 degrees outside today and even with the threat of global warming I enjoyed driving in my car with the window down a bit listening to a classic Beetles album! If you are like me you have old favorites that you play over and over too! I sometimes derive new meaning in tried and true songs that show they really are written from the heart of another human being much like you and I- even John Lennon from 1965.

Help! (vocal John Lennon verse 1)

When I was younger so much younger than today I never needed anybody’s help in any way

But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured

Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors

In my younger years I was pretty certain about many things. I now realize that being too certain was probably a way to cope with the actual UNCERTAINTIES of life, relationships, choices and opinions. I feel now that even with trying to learn and grow that I am certain about far less than I was 35 years ago! Why? Because of learning and growing and interacting with so many people I have realized that being certain is less important than having wisdom and grace.

Perhaps you are wondering if you are quite so sure of your choices, thoughts, relationships, communication or how to process your feelings. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to admit you could use some help. It’s ok to model to your friends and family that strong people ask for help. Give us a call- we can be Somebody that helps.

Alongside you.

Angela Olson LMHC Cedar Valley Counseling

I went on a little road trip last weekend. On the way home, I made a wrong turn and managed to get somewhat lost. I am not the worlds best navigator but I soon realized I was not heading in the direction of HOME and being several hours south of HOME I chose to get help from my GPS. Everyone makes a ‘wrong turn’ sometimes. Maybe we never had a look at the map other people seem to have understood from their youth.  I had plenty of gas. The sun was shining. I didn’t have a hard timeline for arriving home. The roads were clear, yet, I was never going to get to my destination of “Home” without help!

Counseling can be like a GPS-we will not tell you how fast to go. We won’t stop you from taking the scenic route. Counselors don’t decide where you  take your rest stops. However, you want to get to a destination like processing grief, building healthy relationships, Increasing motivation, improving self esteem, learning to set and achieve personal goals etc. Together with a trusted counselor you can process your sense of not knowing and actually set a direction! Give us a call. I set my whole business up as a safe place to ask for help. Angela Olson, LMHC

When life gets hard it certainly isn’t made easier when it is difficult to find clinicians that accept medical insurance. It used to be that only people with Medicaid plans had trouble finding therapists that would accept their insurance. Currently, even clients with commercial insurance find it hard to use their insurance! Some groups and private clinicians offer “Super Bills” to their clients- passing on the submitting of claims to the client and avoiding the insurance processes of contracting, credentialing, and billing clean claims to the insurer.

I am a stubborn person. I don’t want to shift the hard work of insurance issues to Cedar Valley clients! I also don’t want to charge the clients MORE money than what the insurance companies allow. I would certainly like to be reimbursed at a higher rate as I feel that the counseling work that is done by Cedar Valley clinicians is valuable and there are quite a bit of costs involved to keep our doors open. However, I don’t feel that my business should make more money while  clients scrape their money together to pay cash or go into debt by using credit WHILE TAKING TIME from their lives to haggle with their insurance company!!!

I have worked hard to accept the vast majority of insurance offered in Snohomish County. Cedar Valley Counseling contracts with insurance companies and credentials the clinicians. We bill the claim. We wait for the money to come in. We chase the reimbursement when it fails to come in. WHY? So you, the client, can come, pay your portion (co-pay, co-insurance, or deductible) and focus on you and your work in counseling!! Coming to see a counselor usually means something has happened that you need help with- life isn’t easy. I hate to burden you with even more work regarding your insurance. Please, schedule with Cedar Valley Counseling and make a faithful effort to keep your appointments. Together we can do something great! Thanks- Angela Olson LMHC, owner: Cedar Valley Counseling

I was watching PBS News Hour last week and listened to our Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, announce that we are experiencing an Epidemic of Loneliness! I am not surprised. According to Dr. Murthy, 1 in 2 adults report measurable levels of loneliness. Loneliness has real consequences for we human beings!

When lonely, we more likely are also experiencing increased levels of Depression and/or Anxiety. We are increasing our risk of feeling like life doesn’t matter and that no one would miss us- suicidal ideation is on the rise. It is harder to be a parent, friend, family member, co-worker, if we feel lonely. It is hard to have the energy to reach our when we feel alone.

Studies (according to Dr. Murthy) show that the risk of dementia, heart disease and stroke are increased among lonely people.

During the long (over 3 years) pandemic, even gregarious outgoing folks, such as myself, experienced higher degrees of alone time and loneliness. It was easy to reach for technology or sit in front of a screen for entertainment and solace. Screens do not replace human interaction and cannot feed our living souls like human interaction can.

Even if it is a bit scary to reach out- call a friend, go to the gym, take a walk, take a class. We at Cedar Valley Counseling realize that much of counseling needed to be remote (via Zoom, Secure Video etc) during the raging pandemic. Now, we are seeing more clients return to the office in real present time. There is nothing better than sitting with a human being and sharing a moment, or two or three in real communion. People learn to regulate emotion easier in the presence of a calm person who cares!

I notice clients coming and going from the office space. Some hold the doors for another. Some stand and view the scenery as they enter our space. Others enjoy a piece of candy or cup of tea. Each interaction is a step toward health and healing in a safe and supportive place.  Give us a call- we are here for you.

Link to CNN’s article on the surgeon general’s loneliness epidemic declaration

https://www.cnn.com/2023/05/02/health/murthy-loneliness-isolation/index.html

Greetings! Due to Covid 19 many of us have have altered our plans for gathering with friends and family for the Thanksgiving Day traditional celebration. I have been thinking about Thankfulness and how we can’t squeeze all our blessings into one day, one meal, one hug. Perhaps we can take the opportunity, though reluctantly, to focus on what we are Thankful for in different ways that might linger on, even when we go back to in person crowded tables and shared meals.

If you have decided to place your traditions on hold this year I realize that it can be hard to figure out how to do so graciously and in a way that can still bring joy to your heart. Here are a few ideas:

1. Make an acrostic poem for each of your loved ones naming a quality you love about them (each letter of their name begins a new word or sentence about their awesomeness!)
2. Deliver a homemade safely prepared treat to the homes of those you love
3. Send a photo montage of happy times together
4. Zoom or Skype and share “Gratitude Lists”
5. Instead of a dinner, an outdoor bundled up walk or hike anyone?
6.  Take a rain check on 11/26— Thanksgiving can be had in style on a later date when we can all be safe
7. Make a completely different kind of meal– not having the traditional food may make it easier. I am thinking of Phad Thai!!
8. Collage (rip up magazine photos and glue them down on a poster board) all the feelings you have around this strange and unusual pandemic year. Put at least 2 images bearing hope for Thanksgiving 2021!
9. Call Friends and Family and sing a song of blessing- if you don’t know one–make one up! This is a year to be remembered! If you don’t want to sing— try making up a Cheer or a Happy Dance! You can record yourself and send this to family and friends. Keep it Thanksgiving Grateful!
10. Light a few candles, sit in a comfy chair, rest, imagine those you love including those who have passed on ahead and Thank each of them, in your heart, for what you have learned and gained from them. Include some kind thoughts for yourself and your own ability to rise up and learn new things- even how to get through a pandemic!

Thanks for each one of you who give me hope that we can overcome anything together! If you are losing hope- give us a call, talking through things is helpful even on telehealth!

Angela Olson for Cedar Valley

Hello- recently I have been thinking of clinical blunders. Believe it or not- therapists are not perfect! We sometimes misunderstand our clients. We might write the time of an appointment down wrong and miss a session (occasionally!) We might assume we know what you think and feel and forget to check with you about your own life!! All of these blunders and more can be more than mistakes, they can present an opportunity for you!

In a therapeutic relationship (you and your counselor) you have the opportunity to try on new behaviors when you are angry, disappointed, feel unheard or somehow missed. Most people, in their personal lives, when hurt or angry or disappointed tend to follow the same patterns of ‘stuffing’ the feelings, ‘denying the problem,’ ‘blowing up’ over the issue or even cut people completely out of their lives. In a counseling relationship you have the chance to appropriately call out the problem and ask for what you would like different from your counselor. The expectation is that your counselor- though human- is actually a good person who made a mistake- not an actually untrustworthy or harmful person who doesn’t care at all!! In being able to speak to your counselor about how you actually think and feel, even when you are hurt, disappointed, angry or feeling missed you get to practice and see what works for you!!

Considering all therapists at Cedar Valley Counseling work for or are contracted to work with me I can guarantee to you that each of the counselors is good hearted, growing and willing to meet with you to help you reach your goals. Give counseling a try- we can’t bring you soup, go out for coffee or visit you at home but the relationship is REAL- we care about you and want the best for you and your life. Angela Olson for Cedar Valley Counseling

2020 has been a difficult year for us all, and we’ve all experienced a degree of loss: the ability to live our lives as we knew them, job losses, a loss of freedom and entertainment, and whether or not we can safely see friends and family.

Day-to-day losses continue to prevail in our lives as well. I recently experienced one: I managed to leave my purse unattended and someone else took possession of a pretty important cluster of items—cell phone, wallet, cash, credit cards etc.

I noticed myself going through the classic stages of grief:

• Shock/Denial: I can’t believe my eyes!!! Maybe I didn’t bring my purse with me at all today? Perhaps it is at home in its usual place? I kept looking in every possible spot expecting to find my purse- it was gone.
• Anger: How dare people take what isn’t theirs! How could I be so irresponsible!!! I managed to be angry at the unknown thief and at myself at the same time!! Quite a feat!
• Sadness: I was so busy today- now I am even busier. A feeling of shame too— that I hadn’t paused to think long enough to protect what is mine.
• Acceptance: Wracking my brain to recall the items in the purse as well as every bank account/credit card possibly affected and staying coherent to make the calls.

Today, I am thinking of loss. Many people have lost homes and possessions to the rampant fires. The greater loss is that of those we love- people we have to say goodbye to on this earth. I am reminding myself that a purse and financial security and a disrupted few days is not the worst event that could happen.

I am sure you can recall loss. Loss comes in many forms: loss through death, loss of relationship,  health, job, security, dream. Perhaps you, like me, try to find all the things that could be done so that this ‘loss won’t happen again’ or at least we could be ‘better prepared to face it when it inevitably comes.’ As human beings, no matter how hard we try we will never be error free, able to see the future perfectly and plan accordingly or leap buildings at a single bound.

I have found in the counseling world- being a counselor myself, that counselors experience loss too. Counselors are unable to guarantee a bright and rosy future for themselves let alone for their clients. However, with life experience, education and a willingness to listen and come alongside others, Counselors are able to mitigate some of the pain of Loss. If you would like to experience someone making a good faith effort to hear you, understand your pain and come alongside as you hunt for what is missing in your life- give us a try. Angela Olson- for Cedar Valley Counseling